How To Not Be The ‘Fix It’ Friend: Choosing Yourself First

{Updated 11/12/21}

Have you ever thought about your role as a friend? Are you that friend that has the best advice and people always seem to want to tell you their problems? Or are you pouring good and positive energy into people but they never seem to pour back into you? First, I just want to say, you could very well be an empath which is a very positive attribute to have. On the other hand, we need to start focusing on ourselves and stop letting these people take our energy. At the start of the pandemic, I realized that I didn’t like a lot of people. That the reason we were ‘friends’ was purely based off of location (i.e work or school). A lot of people don’t realize that once you take out the one thing you have in common with someone, are you still compatible? More than likely, you’re not. That’s one of the lessons I learned during this pandemic, that a lot of people not only settle in their job or relationships, but with friends as well. One important thing I need to address before getting further into this article, is recognizing how friendships impact us.

Most of the time people are screaming at the top of their lungs, “FUCK FRIENDS!” Not realizing that these relationships also help shape us as people. Friend breakups are a real thing and can effect us and how we make friends for the rest of our lives; just like romantic relationships. These experiences can determine how we bring more people (or not) into our lives. Just like everyone else, the pandemic has shown me a lot about people and the role I play in their lives. Noticing how I was pouring into people but not many was pouring back into me, made me realize how much I needed to value what I was offering and not giving too much just for the sake of being nice. Not too long ago, I was roaming on Youtube when I came across a video called, Stop Being So Nice… (as an ex-Google millionaire). I saw the millionaire part then went back to the beginning, stop being so nice and automatically wanted to know what this person had to say; and I have some big take aways.

I’ve added the video so you can watch it and we can discuss the video in the comments but for the sake of this article, lets analyze what he’s talking about. I’ve went through my whole life being considered ‘nice’. It was somewhat of a strong character trait that I was proud of and loved being referred to as. Now that I’m older, I’ve realized that being nice, only gets you but so far in life; I mean the saying does say nice guys finish last. That’s not to say that we have to go around being assholes or that we’re just being nice just to be rewarded, but it points out the lack of boundaries nice people acquire for the sake of people pleasing others. I can honestly say, I genuinely like being friendly because I enjoy seeing people smile; like how a comedian enjoys peoples laughter. But at what point do we draw the line, being nice for our enjoyment or not being able to establish boundaries? That’s what I learned from this video. They’re some people in this world that just don’t deserve us being nice to them for no reason at all, not to say that we can’t be cordial or be pleasant but to be overly nice for no good reason at all, is purely pointless and that includes the types of relationships we keep in our lives.

The first time I realized I needed to check my ‘niceness’ was when I worked my first retail job. There were animals every where and I was happy to finally be close to the type of job I wanted; being a veterinarian. Walking around with big smiles, saying hello to everyone, literally roaming the store with positive energy not realizing that I was putting a big target on my back. This one girl in particular did not like me and was very passive aggressive about it; until one day. Me, three other people, and this one girl were all talking when she made a comment saying that I was happy for no good reason at all. The context was very inappropriate and she tried to embarrass me with all these people around. Until that day, I had no idea that she had a problem with me and up until that day I was being nice to her not realizing the little remarks she was making at my expense; I didn’t let that bitch slide after that but I truly did learn my lesson.

Being nice either puts a target on your back or makes people take you for granted. There are some people who appreciate nice people but let’s face it, we live in a cruel world; some of the most gruesome people think that their saints. Ways you can apply this to your life is by telling yourself to not feel responsible for other people and their feelings. It’s never easy at first but as long as you take the necessary steps, that’s all that matters. The most important lesson is that when setting boundaries, it’s always going to feel uncomfortable at first. A way to remind yourself though, is why should you put this persons feelings before yourself? If you haven’t checked out my post, Shadow work oh shadow work, maybe you should take the time out to really dive deep into these feelings. Working on yourself, I feel is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s not easy but it sure is rewarding, and taking back your power, by not always being the fixer friend, is the most rewarding act of self love.


By Anaya Thomas

Writing has always been my passion and even though we were always on again, off again, I finally feel like I found the sweet spot on what I want to say

2 replies on “How To Not Be The ‘Fix It’ Friend: Choosing Yourself First”

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